I feel crazy. I am a frantic young lady panicking that that I am on the verge of total and absolute loss of control of my own emotions. 18 years of my life and I have believed in ‘mind over matter’. For me this has always meant that I am in control of how I feel. Now, at this point I feel that I am constantly in emotional turmoil never knowing when the next bout of emotional drama I will pull or experience. It most especially attacks me at night.
Like a lunatic, I pull my covers over my head and I scream so silently as tears flow down my face. What is this Oh Lord? I ask. I don’t know! Says the loud voice inside my head. This only ceases as I close my eyes to slumber. The state of stupor from the overwhelming well of emotion keeps me calm for the rest of the night.
In the morning I awake, the chemicals arousing anger, already satiated. Now I feel like an absolute wreck! What was that about??? Get it together girl! Now I know for sure that I am going crazy. I tell myself to relax. It’s okay to feel- I believe that emotions play an important role in our lives. It is good for me to cry. It is great for me to find a way to get this CRAZY out of my head. Now, I think about damage control. Whom did I drag along the previous emotional tantrum?
Oh no, I make the effort to use humour as a shield. I tell the victims that I was joking or that it was just PMS but oh God, what is this disease that is attacking me? I have never felt this way before. It is so new and yet so real. Do I need help? I feel like I just need to get away. Get away from everything and everyone. I will be fine.