CRAZY

I feel crazy. I am a frantic young lady panicking that that I am on the verge of total and absolute loss of control of my own emotions. 18 years of my life and I have believed in ‘mind over matter’. For me this has always meant that I am in control of how I feel. Now, at this point I feel that I am constantly in emotional turmoil never knowing when the next bout of emotional drama I will pull or experience. It most especially attacks me at night.

Bawling senselessly
Bawling senselessly

Like a lunatic, I pull my covers over my head and I scream so silently as tears flow down my face. What is this Oh Lord? I ask. I don’t know! Says the loud voice inside my head. This only ceases as I close my eyes to slumber. The state of stupor from the overwhelming well of emotion keeps me calm for the rest of the night.

Waking up like... What just happened???
Waking up like… What just happened???

In the morning I awake, the chemicals arousing anger, already satiated. Now I feel like an absolute wreck! What was that about??? Get it together girl! Now I know for sure that I am going crazy. I tell myself to relax. It’s okay to feel- I believe that emotions play an important role in our lives. It is good for me to cry. It is great for me to find a way to get this CRAZY out of my head. Now, I think about damage control. Whom did I drag along the previous emotional tantrum?
Oh no, I make the effort to use humour as a shield. I tell the victims that I was joking or that it was just PMS but oh God, what is this disease that is attacking me? I have never felt this way before. It is so new and yet so real. Do I need help? I feel like I just need to get away. Get away from everything and everyone. I will be fine.

Arghhhhhhhh
Arghhhhhhhh
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